When Confusion Is the First Sign

So many people I work with feel like they are losing their sense of reality. They describe walking on eggshells, not knowing whether they are going to be embraced or ignored, praised or punished. What they are describing is not ordinary relationship difficulty. It is what I call covert, controlling behaviour.

You may have heard the term “covert narcissism,” but I tend to stay away from clinical labels unless a diagnosis has been made. The truth is, many people who display these patterns are not narcissists in the medical sense, but the effect of their behaviour can be just as destabilising.

What matters is not the label, but the pattern.

What Is Covert, Controlling Behaviour?

Covert simply means hidden. In these relationships, control does not come through shouting or demands. It comes through silence, guilt, vague disappointment, or playing the victim. The controlling person may appear calm, confused, or even hurt while you are the one who ends up in tears, angry, or apologising.

Covert control is about emotional pressure, not open conflict. It is behaviour designed to provoke a reaction, but in such a subtle way that you look like the one who is overreacting.

It creates what we call a reactive cycle. You begin to feel volatile. You shout. You cry. You shut down. And then you are told that you are the problem.

This is sometimes referred to as reactive abuse, but that term can be misleading. You are not being abusive. You are overwhelmed. You are confused. You are trying to survive in a relationship dynamic that is eroding your self-worth.

And most importantly, you are not the one creating the problem.

Four Everyday Examples of Covert Control

These are the kinds of subtle behaviours that keep people stuck:

1. Silent Treatment
You raise an issue. They stop speaking to you without explanation. You feel anxious and try to fix it. Eventually, you snap and they accuse you of being aggressive.

2. Playing the Victim
You ask for space or express a need. They say, “You are abandoning me like everyone else.” You feel guilty, backtrack, and later explode, which is then used as evidence that you are emotionally unstable.

3. Undermining You Gently
They say, “You always overreact,” or “You just cannot take a joke.” You start to doubt yourself. When you defend your position, they say, “You are attacking me.”

4. Withholding Support
You are overwhelmed. They say, “I thought you did not want help,” and do nothing. When you express hurt, they act confused and say you are being unfair.

In Terry’s case, each of these behaviours was present, but always just below the radar. Individually, they might not have seemed serious. Together, they created a slow erosion of confidence, peace, and identity.

Why This Behaviour Is So Often Missed

Because it is covert, this pattern is very often missed by others. In mediation, in court, even in counselling, it is usually the reaction that is noticed, not the cause.

The person using covert control often appears reasonable. They do not raise their voice. They may even look like the victim. Meanwhile, the person who has been emotionally worn down looks upset, inconsistent, and reactive because they are.

Unfortunately, many professionals are not trained to recognise the hidden pattern. As a divorce coach trained in domestic abuse dynamics, I see this all the time. Not because the abuse is obvious, but because it is invisible until you know what to look for.

You Cannot Break the Cycle from Inside the Cycle

This is the most painful truth. You cannot change covert, controlling behaviour by trying harder. You cannot explain your way out of it. You cannot apologise enough, love enough, or become calm enough to make it stop.

Because it is not about what you are doing. It is about what they are doing.

You are being emotionally shaped to play a role that serves someone else’s comfort, not your shared connection. The more you try to make sense of it from within it, the more stuck you become.

The only way out is to step back. To see the pattern. To name it. And to step out from the gaslight into the sunlight.

That is the moment everything begins to shift.

Terry’s Turning Point

With support, Terry began to see what was really happening. He stopped asking what he had done wrong, and started asking, “What has been done to me?”

He began to notice how often his wife’s warm behaviour only came after a breakdown. A way of drawing him back in. He saw how his emotional reactions were not proof of failure, but signs of deep distress.

Terry did not need to be fixed.
He needed to be heard, seen, and believed.
And once he saw the pattern, he could step out of it.

If any of this feels familiar, if you have spent years wondering why you feel so lost, or if you swing between love and shame in your relationship, I want you to know this:

You are not too sensitive.
You are not imagining it.
You are not the problem.

There is a way to step out from the gaslight into the sunlight. And I can walk with you while you do.

If you are ready to have a conversation, you can book a free call with me using the link below. You deserve clarity. You deserve peace.