eve stanway - divorce and break up coach

The Hidden Load in Relationships: Addressing Imbalance Before It Becomes Overwhelming

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Summary

In many relationships, the managerial, cognitive, and emotional burdens can fall unevenly on one partner, often without either party fully realising it. Over time, this imbalance can create significant tension, leading to feelings of resentment, stress, and frustration. This dynamic frequently develops subtly, almost accidentally, as roles and responsibilities are assumed without discussion or reassessment.

Understanding the Loads
Managerial Load: This encompasses the practical, visible tasks required to run a household or a relationship, such as paying bills, scheduling appointments, coordinating childcare, or planning holidays. It is the day-to-day operational workload that keeps life moving forward.
 
Cognitive Load: Less visible but equally burdensome, this involves the mental effort of tracking what needs to be done, remembering deadlines, anticipating potential issues, and staying aware of others’ needs. For example, remembering that the dog’s vaccinations are due or anticipating that your partner might need emotional support before a stressful meeting are examples of cognitive load.
 
Emotional Load: This relates to the emotional energy required to maintain and nurture a relationship, including managing one’s own emotions, offering support to a partner, and ensuring emotional connection within the relationship. Often, this also involves mediating conflicts, soothing hurt feelings, or creating an environment where both people feel safe and valued.
 
When one partner takes on a disproportionate share of these responsibilities, the result can be a growing imbalance. This often happens without explicit agreement—it simply evolves over time. One partner might naturally take on more responsibilities because they are better at planning, or they might notice the unspoken needs of the relationship more readily. The other partner, seeing that things are being handled, may default to a less active role, unintentionally deepening the imbalance.
 
How Imbalance Affects Relationships
When one person consistently takes on the bulk of these responsibilities, they can become overwhelmed and burnt out. They might feel underappreciated or resentful, which can lead to frustration spilling out in ways that feel like criticism or nagging to the other partner. On the other side, the less-involved partner might feel irritated at being told they are not doing enough, or they might feel excluded from decision-making altogether.
 
This push-and-pull dynamic can escalate into difficult conversations characterised by shaming and blaming. The partner carrying the heavier load might say, “I do everything around here,” while the other might feel attacked and think, “Why am I always the one being criticised?” At its core, this imbalance can prevent the relationship from thriving, as one partner becomes too exhausted to continue, while the other feels increasingly alienated.
 
As the author and researcher Brené Brown aptly said, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” Boundaries, when discussed openly, are vital to addressing and redistributing these hidden loads.
 
Rebalancing the Relationship
These imbalances, however, can be addressed. A difficult yet honest conversation can transform the relationship by uncovering the root of the problem and finding ways to share responsibilities more equitably. It is important for these conversations to avoid assigning blame and instead focus on collaboration. Both partners must recognise the imbalance and take shared responsibility for resolving it.
 
As a relationship coach, I encourage couples to adopt the principle that both partners are 100% responsible for the relationship and their roles within it. For instance, if one partner says, “I feel it is unfair that I have to organise all the holidays,” the other should avoid defensiveness and instead consider, “What have I done (or not done) that contributes to this dynamic? How can I help address this imbalance?” This reframes the issue as a shared problem, rather than a personal failure or an attack.
 
Rebalancing the cognitive, emotional, and managerial load is not about splitting everything equally—it is about finding a partnership that feels fair to both people. This might mean redistributing tasks, openly discussing expectations, or checking in regularly to ensure the balance still feels right.
 
Preventing Burnout and Building Connection
These conversations can happen at any stage of a relationship, whether at the beginning, during a time of stress, or when tensions begin to arise. By addressing imbalances early, couples can prevent the burnout, stress, and resentment that often lead to deeper fractures in the relationship.
 
As a coach, I work with couples to identify these hidden dynamics and create strategies for addressing them. By facilitating honest communication, I help couples navigate these challenges before they escalate into irreparable issues. The process often strengthens the relationship, creating a foundation of mutual understanding and shared responsibility.
 
If you recognise these dynamics in your relationship, it is never too late to address them. Consider booking a call to explore how I can help you identify and rebalance the hidden loads in your relationship. You will also find a wealth of free resources and recent articles on this website, designed to support you in building a healthier, more balanced partnership. Together, we can ensure that your relationship thrives, not just survives.
 

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eve stanway - divorce and break up coach

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